cathexis

build a balance

2012-02-17T10:29:00.000-05:00

10/2011

2012-02-11T13:04:00.006-05:00

kiddies. 2006?

staying up till dawn for no reason, sleeping in, procrastinating, moving too slowly through a 'to-do' list, repeating the process the next day. I have a feeling I'll be kicking myself halfway through this week.

oh well, at least I'm alive and breathin'. and what's this? I'm going to a party tonight? who knew I was still a social being! not me, that's for sure. time to break out the instant film!

wilder vines

2012-02-08T12:47:00.002-05:00

sip slow from night's deep wells

and watch our garden swell

once the seeds are sown

wild and overgrown

you'll see hearts' colors

change like leaves

sweet, sweet tree

fall for me

fall fast, fall free, fall for me

because I will be your ambulance

if you will be my accident

and I will be your screeching crash

if you will be my crutch and cast

and I will be your one more time

if you will be my one last chance

oh, sweet tree

fall with me

fall fast, fall free

fall with me

you're on, you're wrong

2012-02-01T23:36:00.007-05:00

truly sorry, I see clearly

calmly crashing,
I pace faster than anyone
hinges rusting,
they swing louder than anything
truly lonely,
this place is flatter than it seems

I'm upset and I leave the door open wide
our hearts are used up, cracked and dry
pulled the scabs off of regret
we haven't learned to read our conscience yet

truly sorry,
I see clearly
hardly hoping,
I spend it all on game machines
calmly crashing,
I pace and I figure it out again
one hand clapping,
awake but napping

rows of lights to illuminate lines
why don't they turn them off
and let us see night?
drove crazed, grooming my lies
you can't look in on one way eyes

mouth of the iris

2012-01-26T11:19:00.004-05:00

10/2011

everything I built burned yesterday

2012-01-09T14:38:00.003-05:00

2012-01-08T23:21:00.003-05:00

I thought this was supposed to get easier.

2012-01-08T00:09:00.003-05:00

fucker

2012-01-03T13:45:00.003-05:00

I've spent the last 40 minutes Photoshopping a picture of Rachel Ray into a bathtub of meatballs. evidence of my distaste for vacuuming. and my severe creative drought.

no darkness/no harness

2012-01-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

I can't breathe through this mask

2011-12-19T01:10:00.000-05:00

(like a fool)

wrap me up, enfold me

2011-11-21T10:32:00.004-05:00

pen and ink + digital

echoes

2011-11-06T11:38:00.001-05:00

(marker on bristol)

(+ digital = chaos)

2011-10-20T01:15:00.001-04:00

just walkin', thinkin' fondly of you.

walking in your landscape

2011-10-15T14:26:00.000-04:00

I drew a blank and put it in a frame

2011-10-11T11:40:00.002-04:00

why's your halo burning out?

2011-09-19T14:29:00.004-04:00

on repeat

2011-09-15T14:39:00.004-04:00

BLOOM

2011-09-05T13:55:00.000-04:00

oh, how I long to get my feet wet!
cried and yelled, the ice as it melted
but will I know it when I see it?
or will I miss the only chance I ever had?
no calendar can keep a secret
time will tell, yes time will tell
and this moment, you can keep it
only for it a while, and it will go
but you'll be thankful
that you are
not only judged by your messes
and not every word you say embarrasses
not every wound received needs caresses
some lessons are best learned
through having less
and listening
so listen, listen

I do not care about tomorrow
I have seen the future
and we are falling down
to the earth
we'll retreat without a sound
spinning 'round
the sun will come to greet and touch the ground
singing, 'come along with me'
come along
come with me

cos not all those fallen seeds will one day bloom
and not every rotten tree will root again
you live, so what use have you to pretend?
there must be something better once this ends
for not all the folks you'll meet have seen your face
and not every road that leads you knows your name
the real ones will always be glad you came
not every turn you take
leads to a dead ending

excess in excess

2011-08-04T12:47:00.003-04:00

(2008 revisited)

see into me

2011-08-02T16:35:00.008-04:00

breathe on

2011-07-27T17:18:00.003-04:00

from that cloud

number nine

danger starts

the sharp incline

and such sad regrets

as those starry skies,

as they swiftly fall.

2011-07-25T23:59:00.000-04:00

appliances have gone berserk

I cannot keep up

treading on people's toes

snot-nosed little punk

and I can't face the evening straight

you can offer me escape

houses move and houses speak

if you take me then you'll get relief

relief

...

it's too much

too bright

too powerful

too much

lift every yellow brick

2011-07-15T12:27:00.001-04:00

I really should be packing.

spent the morning looking through old photos. I never really forget how things were right out of Walkabout, when I first began to slip into a frenzy of destruction and recklessless, and how quickly I spun out of control. it all feels like more of a distant memory by now. a story I tell from time to time. but looking back at those photos reminded me of how very real it was. and how drastically different things are now. in retrospect the past 4 1/2 years seem like an entire lifetime. I barely recognize myself in those pictures. not in a physical sense of course but in the sense that.. who the fuck was I? I was so lost, so aimless. it's frightening now to think how rampantly I subjected myself to harm. and now? well, I should consider myself lucky that I was able to be pulled out. probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. slow and steady change. and without even realizing it, until now I suppose, I transformed.

it's just nice to feel sane. grounded. in fact it feels amazing. thank you, old visual documentation, for the reminder.

I could float through the ceiling

2011-06-17T00:23:00.003-04:00

(missing)

always on my way

2011-06-10T00:50:00.002-04:00

(coming soon! click to order)

progress progress progress

2011-05-24T16:14:00.002-04:00

day of delta

2011-05-06T12:36:00.004-04:00

a little sneak peek of Forman's up-and-coming album. to be released July 1st. get your hands on this limited edition t-shirt!

adrenaline (v2)

2011-04-19T16:52:00.001-04:00

dirty diana

2011-03-24T15:20:00.000-04:00

I just picked up the prints for one of my 35mm rolls from the summer (1 down, 3 to go). I can't find any place around here that will print the photos witht the film sprockets exposed. so until then I'm on a mission! this is my favorite thus far.

the color is a little off due to some misbehavior on my scanner's part. but you get the idea. I can't wait to finally get the others developed.

lean to let in the light

2011-03-07T22:09:00.000-05:00

in progress.

2011-02-15T11:28:00.004-05:00

only 3 weeks later and I'm almost halfway through this moleskine. very little is as satisfying.

'til later.

watching the walls close in

2011-02-01T13:25:00.001-05:00

2011-01-30T14:12:00.002-05:00

new moleskine, new markers, website in progress, NO MORE SNOW PLEASE!

sketchbook pages

2011-01-13T14:53:00.001-05:00

fall/winter 2010

2011 thus far

synthetic landscape #4

2010-12-20T19:43:00.001-05:00

let our mourning awake the marrow

2010-12-09T12:30:00.001-05:00

2010-12-08T13:59:00.002-05:00

check it out if you haven't already! a stop-motion animation I made for my digital imaging class.

note to the public

2010-10-26T13:25:00.002-04:00

a painting of mine was recently stolen from studio 3 at the Westchester Center for the Arts in White Plains. I realize the chances are slim that I will get it back, but I'd like to ask all of you to please keep your eyes open for it. it's a 22x18" canvas, on which I had painted blue capsules on a dark purple background. the thief didn't even exercise the patience to allow me to finish it. at the time that it disappeared, there was still a blank spot on the upper right hand side of the canvas. naturally, I am heartbroken and infuriated. if anyone spots it anywhere, PLEASE contact me promptly at beitiak@gmail.com.

and if you are reading this, my Anonymous Bandit, I urge you to consider the time and effort I put into this project. not only did you take something that I put a great amount of effort into, but what you have stolen is also an extremely personal piece of me. I'm more than willing to share my art, even with an amoral stranger. but I deserve the right to do so at my own discretion. at the very least, return it to where you found it and let me complete it. and although I owe you nothing, I'm even willing to let you steal it back once it's done. then you can be free to hang it up where you please, attempt to claim it as your own work, or whatever your intentions are. I beg you to show some compassion.

here is a picture of the second version I'm currently working on, which I will obviously not be leaving in the studio.

thank you for your time, and for anything you can do to help.

desert optical tease

2010-10-20T09:39:00.001-04:00

untitled

2010-09-28T23:44:00.001-04:00

thicker skin

2010-09-28T20:35:00.000-04:00

2010-09-17T12:52:00.000-04:00

always

keep your eyes ahead

2010-09-01T00:49:00.001-04:00

(get your head on right again)

kissing in the grass

2010-07-30T15:03:00.003-04:00

I have his forgiveness. now I'm just waiting on my own.

the words that came made not a sound

2010-06-14T21:48:00.000-04:00

a mouth said, "not a sound at all"

and when that sun sets I will have no regrets

2010-06-12T14:18:00.000-04:00

(there are no accidents)

bloom

2010-05-31T16:14:00.003-04:00

didn't know where to go from here, so I just stopped. to be continued, possibly.

I hate how I get myself so worked up over the slightest matters.

in my reflecting

2010-05-31T15:17:00.001-04:00

what more can I say?

for I am guilty

for the voice that I obey

warpaint

2010-05-23T14:44:00.002-04:00

weed 'em out like dandilions

2010-05-12T13:09:00.002-04:00

mental mire?

I travel with feel so I can deal with touch

2010-05-06T16:07:00.002-04:00

mad forest

2010-04-26T12:09:00.002-04:00

2010-04-22T23:38:00.001-04:00

We are dealing with long-term change that arises from the clash between the old and the new, fear and excitement, and caution and recklessness.

2010-04-21T10:17:00.000-04:00

I've rekindled my passion for oils. after weeks of fear and frustration I finally had a breakthrough and now I'm hooked. don't remember the last time I actually finished a large-scale painting. another week or so and that'll have been changed.

it's nice to feel excited to wake up in the morning. before the alarm clock.

baby, the future is so bright!

I don't mind you under my skin

2010-04-18T13:25:00.001-04:00

currently seeking out/utilizing new inspiration. somethin's a-brewin'...

bugbitten

2010-04-14T21:42:00.002-04:00

2010-04-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

"you'll start reconnecting soon enough"

this season!

2010-04-08T13:42:00.001-04:00

star magnolias in bloom

pizza place dance parties

(I don't know these people)

beer and professional basketball

everything in bloom!

content in the knowledge that my happiness does not come from just one thing. allowing myself to always have something else to fall back on, to keep me balanced. still, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on some things. but perhaps those things just don't fit into my life right now. keeping focused on moving forward. over and out!

in the faces you see, you'll see just who you've been

2010-03-22T14:25:00.001-04:00

profound people

2010-03-22T02:02:00.001-04:00

in not-so-profound places.

I have many Polaroids (among other things!) to share...

found

2010-02-12T14:00:00.001-05:00

2010-02-12T13:54:00.000-05:00

might as well begin learning about establishing healthy limits now.

adrenaline

2010-01-13T09:37:00.002-05:00

rhodekill

2009-12-15T17:47:00.001-05:00

I woke up

I woke the dead up

I was a child

who never wanted to grow up

I used to drink

till I'd throw up

to quicken the day

I never thought you would show up

so when I run

I run in the dark

so I can't see

the mess I make

oh, foolish!

it's too late

foolie-coolie

it's too late, too late

I will walk

in a straight line

how could I not

now that you're mine?

our love

is a fire

it can't be controlled

sometimes you've got to go slow

will I be outdone?

have I gone too far?

I fear the fates

the lie-in waits

oh, foolish!

it's too late

foolie-coolie

it's too late, too late

it's where you are

not where you're going

not where you're from

you are what you love

and that is all

11/11/09

2009-12-13T13:49:00.001-05:00

the past seven or eight days have all seemingly blended into one in my memory. into a massive blur of people and noise and mindless small talk. by Monday I felt like I could be snapped in half. so yesterday I shut myself in my room and retreated to the quiet comfort of my own mind. the peace of my music and my colors and nothing else.

what do you go home to?

2009-11-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

I finished the pocket moleskine that I started in mid-September. in due time. this thing is about to fall to pieces.

finally, a quiet place

2009-11-10T14:46:00.002-05:00

2009-11-04T10:39:00.002-05:00

holding on to whatever warmth

whatever.

feel good lost

2009-10-21T14:20:00.002-04:00

learning to savor every last second of my precious alone time.

gravity rides everything

2009-10-09T00:51:00.001-04:00

early, early in the morning

it pulls all down on my sore feet

I wanna go back to sleep

in the motions and the things that you say

it all will fall

fall right into place

as fruit drops, flesh it sags

everything will fall right into place

when we die, some sink and some lay

but at least I don't see you float away

and all of the spilt milk, sex and weight

it all will fall

fall right into place

hug a half empty glass

2009-09-11T12:53:00.002-04:00

(water damage)

drive-by

2009-09-10T11:30:00.001-04:00

I dreamt of being brutalized by perfect strangers that shouted and laughed as they hurled buckets of broken glass at me from all directions. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and stumbled blindly, terrified, humiliated. I breathed in the jagged pieces and cried. tried to scream but could only emit a pathetic bleat. they laughed harder. later when I escaped the senseless attack I picked the broken pieces out of my raw gums. with each extraction came a fierce stream of blood that splattered the walls and the belongings of the people around me. I cried, still with a mouth full of blood. my family and close friends surrendered their sweatshirts to soak up the sanguine outpouring.

cold hands

2009-09-01T20:16:00.001-04:00

wish I hadn't lost the knack for translating raw emotion into text.

what I wouldn't give for an additional outlet.

my lonely season

2009-08-22T14:42:00.003-04:00

coming to a close.

2009-08-13T03:14:00.001-04:00

hardly a fan of myself these days.

2009-07-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

To dream that you are cheating on your significant other suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, it reflects the intensity of your sexual passion and exploring areas of your sexuality. It is actually a reaffirmation of your commitment. Most likely, such dreams represent the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity / that of a spouse.

your absence, your faceless distraction

2009-07-27T16:26:00.003-04:00

2009-07-14T23:26:00.000-04:00

I've been bad

I've lied, cheated, stolen,

been ungrateful for what I had

and I'm afraid habits rule my waking life

I'm scared

and I'm running in my sleep

for you

but all of the oceans and rivers and showers

will wash it all away

and make me clean

for you.

it comes in bursts

2009-07-11T15:25:00.002-04:00

2009-07-11T14:11:00.000-04:00

To dream that you are sailing the high seas in a ship, denotes that you are standing tall in times of emotional turmoil.

stormy inside

2009-07-07T15:19:00.001-04:00

Tornado is a violent storm in nature, and it may represent violent emotional storms in your dreams. If you have reoccurring tornado dreams consider the emotional changes in your life and also the amount of anger and rage that you may be currently experiencing. Tornadoes could also represent disruptions and upsets in your immediate environment and specific or current issues that may be overwhelming.

minds rolled over

2009-06-25T09:16:00.001-04:00

anywhere but home, please.

spin away

2009-06-02T12:45:00.001-04:00

forever longing

2009-05-28T12:27:00.001-04:00

(the golden sunsets)

so come on child, you've slept enough.

2009-04-15T18:51:00.000-04:00

and I know you're tired but I'm waking you up. there is much to be done, and we're right on this cusp of this shit getting real. I mean really, really fucked. every sheep for the shearing waiting around non-plussed, trading branding irons for brand-name cuts. we were born in labor, baptized in dust, given life anew as a living trust, with every hair numbered and cross-referenced. for each soul they claim to save, they have added interest. with a price on your head, what you think matters not; every credit card statement, every lie you've bought rates our exchanged faith for the next fiat. on the blotted paper, the blood don't clot, it just bleeds you dry and then leaves you to rot in a dead-end job till at last you drop into this old noose, with the rope drawn taut. left with your hands bound so they'll never be caught. you may sabotage our education to a calculated chaos born of confusion, a controlled market through the inflation. truly euthanasia to waste on the young. but we've caught you now, and we're cutting your funds. we outnumber you over a million to one. it's a sharp weapon, but the point's left blunt. there's no skill to the game, no challenge to the hunt, with each target deaf, blind and reticent. got your ducks in a line for the same false front. cos when free will costs even ten percent, false tongues speak lies over catholic hunts. from the cathepsin to the cathexis, I'll bear the stigmatic focus of the anti-catechist, with each catalytic pill slowly slitting my wrists. so when I raise my hand, see my bloody fist. may have killed brain cells, but I've kept my wits. and I'd rather go sooner to have known and said this. I've peaked at the end, where the answer sits. all the rest is just problems and more questions. hear the classes getting loud and the teacher getting pissed. in the end this pattern goes 6 6 6. soon my name's showing up on every government list. free speech shouldn't cost, let alone be a risk. so when I die young, it'll prove me right. cos it won't be the pills, swear it won't be the knife. no matter how hard it gets I'm in this for life. and I'm never giving up till we make things right. God gave me this voice, so I can't stay quiet. they can't kill this love, I'll come back to fight, to return each star and remove each stripe. from each prism cell, we'll refract the light, to reveal each move, catch the thieves in the night. make them share what's left and return our rights. though it may still shine from a hormone diet, this knowledgeable fruit's grown overripe, and robbed his breath, birth absorbed he. when the planets line up, every eye shall see that this invite-only disparity party has brought enough despair to the already broken-hearted, in the wake of greed, in the name of flow-charting, leaving broken homes where once were gardens. see, it's our pale horse that we're riding in on, bringing pestilence as a plague of love. with hell at our heels and heaven catching on, it's the hanged man, it's the crux fiction. it's the pentagram, it's the pentagon, it's David's star, it's the pyramid song. what was once upright now is upside down and Isaiah, it's a revelation. 2368, 2701 means a way out and if I can, you know I'm bringing everyone.

everything's fine...

2009-04-10T00:41:00.001-04:00

just put on a little lipstick.

the subtle art of splitting hairs

2009-04-06T13:52:00.002-04:00

synaptic active

2009-04-02T01:08:00.002-04:00

like capillaries

2009-03-10T00:40:00.002-04:00

Saturday sober

2008-12-15T12:14:00.003-05:00

(come one come all)

this time around

2008-12-01T22:07:00.000-05:00

my catharsis.

mad at your walls

2008-10-24T03:38:00.000-04:00

if she's going under I can hold my breath 'till the sky comes back or drown like a rat.

no title,

2008-09-02T01:33:00.002-04:00

no body.

feeding time

2008-08-20T17:49:00.002-04:00

an old friend of mine
at the leper zoo
que sera...
erotic hurrah

it's cool. be cool, girl.

no man's land

2008-08-18T14:50:00.001-04:00

lately?

2008-08-08T03:06:00.001-04:00

beautiful esopus

2008-06-25T10:54:00.000-04:00

wine & fireworks in the hunterbrook field - made me feel liberated, if only for the evening.

the weight on my shoulders is lighter than it was last week and the week before. but my feet are on the fine line that separates being able to take things as they come, and just not giving a shit. I feel like I'm apt to turn on you at any moment. but when I get that sick feeling in my stomach, the suspicion that something threatening is approaching, I can just go back to that river and remember the feeling of floating.

something spectacular

2008-05-30T12:31:00.000-04:00

my mind has been in the Adirondacks. in seven straight days of perfect weather. the peace of an atmosphere unscathed; no blaring speakers, ringing telephones, rumbling car engines or honking horns. no altercation or negativity, no petty bitterness. just grass, air and trees and brilliant sunshine, and wind and birds and rushing water. rock hopping over johns brook, trying not to get swept away by the current. I remember laying upside down on a rock and letting my scalp and hair soak in the frigid water. the cold was almost unbearable but that was the first time I felt that clarity. the complete clarity of living and just living. not getting caught up. I want that clarity again. loving every individual and entity that existed in that space. crying for all of the right reasons. being in tune with my body because it was in tune with nature and nothing else. just existing. a better existence. the purest happiness.

we were sad but now we're rebuilding

2008-05-20T13:21:00.000-04:00